i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
