You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Randomize
