i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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