I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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