Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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