Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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