Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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