@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
