I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
