I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
