I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
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My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
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What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There are leaves in my underwear?
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