And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
why do cheetos always look like penises
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
