I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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