my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
