I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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