You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
