I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
