im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
