dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
