There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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