so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
