that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
