Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
