So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
