hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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