So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Actions speak louder than pants.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
