I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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