I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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