As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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