my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
