He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
