How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
