my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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