Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
