Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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