not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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