I saw his package. It spoke to me.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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