Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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