There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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