I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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