I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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