Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
