Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
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The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize