so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
