idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Did you just see the Batmobile???
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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