if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
