Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
