I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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