Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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