We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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