Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
