My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
