Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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