I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
