So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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