That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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