If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
