You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
